I hardly ever talk about debt. But I do talk about and tackle debt together with my coaching clients in my programmes. And right now I’m preparing a webinar for a large group of employees on the same subject. If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I shared some work in progress in my stories there.

And so I thought it’d be a good idea to add debt as a subject and today I’m starting with the most important, in my view, part of having debt - shame.

When I tell somebody I teach how to pay off debt, people who don’t, and never had debt, treat it most often with one of these two attitudes:

“Oh, it’s so easy - you simply live within your means, don’t spend what you don’t have!” - that’s attitude one. And: “You teach how to pay off debt? Do people really need training on that?” - That’s attitude two.

If you are one of those people, I have a request: recognise how privileged you are and suspend your judgment for the length of this post. And the comment section. Thank you!

If, on the other hand, you do have debt - no matter the amount - and carry a lot of shame connected to that debt, get ready for a pep talk.

YOU ARE IN THE MAJORITY

Chances are, you’re like me. You don’t like statistics, numbers and… I don’t know, if you were diagnosed with some awful disease, you’d rather keep on living your life day by day than keep on googling “How Long have I got?” and subconsciously giving yourself a potential deadline. Whoa, that progressed quickly - from numbers to literal deadlines… ah well, I’ve been reading this third book by Henry Marsh and it’s very fresh in my head and clearly dominated my pool of analogies. Have you read any of Henry’s books? I love this guy. He’s a now retired neurosurgeon from London and an excellent writer. Fully recommend his books.

OK, let’s go back to shame and debt now…

Sooo… as I was saying, you don’t like numbers. Fair play. I’m not a born accountant either. So I won’t share dull statistics and you, in return, trust me when I tell you that most people have debt. Debt is common. Debt is popular. Which means you’re not in the minority. Take a deep breath is - inhale. And a slow breath out - exhale. Does it feel a bit better already? Great. Let’s move on.

If most people have debt - we can easily say that it is a standard way of living. Most of us face these things:

We want to get educated - we need a loan. We want to buy a house - we need a mortgage. We want to change carpets in that house - we buy them with the help of a payment plan. And that’s fine, right?

So why when you’re drowning in debt, when you end up in debt because of systemic poverty, illness, loss of employment or simply a series of bad decisions or bad luck - you are shamed?

Here’s why:

SHAME - Sometimes Humans Aren’t Most Empathic.

This is the first way I’d like you to look at that word.

We’re not born equal and that lack of equality continues throughout our lives. There is no fairness or justice in this world. And maybe you were dealt weak cards to play with. It happens. It happened to you.

And I’m sorry it did. But I regret much more that you attached shame to that misfortune. So for now - whenever you feel ashamed because of your debt, keep in mind that SHAME is an acronym and explain to yourself - I was conditioned to feel shame by the society I live in. It will take me a while to stop feeling it. But I know there are plenty of people just like me. I wouldn’t judge them for having debt and I won’t judge myself either.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR DEBT

So you started thinking about your debt. This could happen anywhere and anytime of course. When you got paid or when you considered next year’s expenses, or simply when listening to your friends holiday report. And you think you’ve got this. Whatever feelings turn up, you can manage them. Until it turns out that your mind has some other plans. And soon - the spiral of shame starts forming. What do you do then?

The best thing is to realise that you’re in control of how this spiral, this cycle progresses. Let’s say it goes like this: “I need to save up for dad’s birthday. I’m so broke. I’m always broke. And now I need to pay off my credit card. Will this ever end? It wouldn’t need to end if I hadn’t been so stupid in the past. Why was I so dumb? Because I’m an idiot, simple. Other people have it sorted and I’m a complete failure. What’s the point of even trying. I’ll be a failure until I die.”

Each of these statements, the things you tell yourself in that moment are, what I call, invitations to disagree. And each one is a step in your shame cycle. One step, not more. When you dare to question those thoughts, you give yourself a chance to step back and think more rationally. Because, let’s face it, these thoughts are not rational, controlled process. It’s a flood of uncomfortable emotions.

So when you tell yourself “I’m always broke”, stop and think. Then ask: is this true? Remember, always is always, no exceptions. If the answer is no, quickly follow it up with three examples of when you were not broke. Disprove your false theory then and there.

When you tell yourself you’re an idiot - stop and think again. Does an idiot know they’re an idiot? I don’t think so. Quickly come up with three reasons that prove you’re quite smart.

This is the way to break the shame cycle. The spiral of thinking that leads to that dark place in which you feel like a kid hiding under their bed.

You are NOT your debt.

You are far more interesting, fun and smart than your debt.

Your debt does NOT define you as a person.

Your worth is NOT measured by the size of your net worth.

Believe me.

And start learning to believe it yourself. Grab a piece of paper or a notebook on your phone every time that feeling of shame tries to win your attention. And journal away. Let all those thoughts come out. Then one by one disprove them. Reframe. Disagree. And if it makes you feel better, delete or throw away those sentences right after. This is a healing process and a fight - I’m rooting for you to win.

YOU ARE CHANGING YOUR PRESENT AND YOUR FUTURE

I’m a huge fan of meditation and so I’m going to invite you to a simple meditative exercise. Nothing intense, I promise.

If you can, close your eyes for this (after reading through the instructions). If that’s too much or impossible for you at this time, stay as you are.

Now, think of some event in the past. It can be a neutral event. And see how your body reacts when you mentally transport yourself to that past experience. PAUSE.

Now think of an event in the future. Possibly something you’re looking forward to. Or maybe the day you’ve become debt-free. How does that feel? How is your body’s reaction changed between the past and the future? PAUSE.

And now come back to this very moment.  Think of right now. Become aware of your surrounding and your body. How does that feel? PAUSE.

If your eyes are closed, you can open them now.

The point of this exercise is to show you two things - one, that your body will react to the images created by your mind. I know, this sounds obvious but how many times have you given yourself an opportunity to observe how this happens, to compare between these three states?

And the other thing I wanted to show you with the help of this exercise is that it’s impossible to think of past, present and future at the same time.  Have you noticed?

This is important when you’re tackling your debt and feel shame. Shame belongs to the past. It’s being dragged to the present but it doesn’t belong here. And it’s in your power to keep it there. And most certainly your job to keep reminding it where it belongs.

Present and future are where life happens. We plan for the future, not for the past. Sure, some of you might plan to go through carefully curated family photo albums and read your teenage journals in your retirement but that’s also a plan that needs executing now for it to happen later.

Focus on now and later. This is something I keep working on with my clients - switch from the past How-did-I-end-up-in-debt mindset to How-do-I-pay-off-my-debt mindset. You can’t do anything about the former. You can do A LOT about the latter.

And so, this is the third way to deal with your shame around debt - keep in mind that you’re changing your present and future for the better. It’s bold, courageous, good for you, often extremely hard, but in the end kind to you and definitely smart. Give yourself permission to celebrate instead of beating yourself up!

And one last thing. There’s a more positive way to think of shame as an acronym, and that’s something you definitely should practice towards yourself, on top of towards those who lack it…

SHAME - Show Heartwarming And Massive Empathy.